I have a number of things going on, right now…some of which are intriguing for their possibilities; one of which is spurring me to write. Out of frustration. You know the type. I’ve been dealing with it in my journal so that I don’t have to deal with libel accusations (even though I can strip this down to the bare bones, and it still looks, objectively, bad).
I’ve found an interesting Academic Library position in the first University I attended (the one which doesn’t show up on my diploma). The politics then, were a bit…much. Of course, this was back when I was a very young adult, out of my parent’s care for the first time in my life, and in an unexpectedly alien culture which also happened to be a political battleground during Bush II.
The major question for me — right now — is whether my job references still remember me. The last post I held was that of a Library Assistant in a Public Library setting, but realistically, my exercise of that post ended nearly two years ago. For years before that, I was a Library Aide; however, how can I compare my performance there, to a professional job? I know I showed up on time, I know I did my work — but the job functionality simply is not the same.
Of course, though: I’ve been doing more research on job duties, and the idea that used to go around my old workplace, that the job I did (the first paying job I had), “wasn’t a real job,” is more reflective of the amount I was/we were paid (and a toxic work culture which undervalued working-class staff), not the job itself. I would probably be well in the running if I wanted to do the same thing at an Academic Library and get paid more, with benefits, full-time. (I’ve found an ad to this effect, listed under the heading, “Access Services.”)
I really do not want to go back to that. I mean, if I have the chance to get away from a position in which I’m the front-line worker having to take fines for lost and damaged materials (“but I checked it out that way [sopping wet]”), the question is why I would go back to it. Especially, when there’s so much more I could be doing that matters more and is less aggravating, and which builds on my strengths rather than having me rely on one of my weakest points. I can communicate decently, but emotional regulation is not my strong suit, and neither is dealing with people openly lying to me. (Maybe it would be better if I weren’t personally insulted by the lies. They’re just trying to get out of paying the cost of the book.)
There are more productive things I can do, than try to grapple with that (and some of them pay more).
In all versions of this post up until now, at this point I began to describe a project that I have been spurred to embark upon. I’ve begun to write what I’m envisioning at the moment as a nonfiction book (or at least a collection of related chapters or essays), although I haven’t done any art in a while, and I can feel the impact on my state of mind.
What I have been doing — a lot of — is reading and writing. But it really isn’t the same, where it comes to alleviation of stress. Just why that is, I don’t know.
The other drawback to doing a lot of reading and writing is that I tend not to sense time passing as normal. I tend, after having done a lot of reading, to feel as though I’m missing some hours. I also tend to forget what I did read; which is why I have wanted to start doing book reviews (more in-depth and in-context, than I can get on GoodReads). I will find relevant information popping up in my mind from weeks to months (or longer) down the line, but I can’t promise I’ll remember what text it’s from! It’s almost as though I had a dream, instead of read a book or e-book.
As for writing — that is slightly different, though I have the habit of staying up into the early morning hours, composing text. I’m pretty sure that’s generally not good for me; in particular, for my blood sugar levels. As I write this now, I can see that it’s almost 10:30 PM (this is my second day of working on this post; granted, I had to move the majority of it into my personal files). I had wanted to try to get to bed by 11 PM to help my body manage my blood sugar, but I was up writing last night, until 4 AM this morning. I wouldn’t have gotten close to nine hours of sleep, except I went back to bed after breakfast.
And, of course, neither reading nor writing really are healthy without movement to dislodge me from my chair and desk. I probably should get back to logging what I’ve done during the day, and making notes on what to tackle tomorrow. I haven’t been doing it for the last week, at least, and I’m sure this has to deal with the added stress I’m dealing with from — now — a group and three classes, plus preparing for a job interview for a job I’m not sure I want.
Trying to juggle all of them is overloading me, I think. I know I need to work on my University course (which I have been, though I need to catch up with my notes). I know I need to be working on my Spanish (which I haven’t been). Then there is the weight management course (which I need) plus a group (which can be nice, but which I don’t need as often as it comes up), and after that…I’m dropping the last course. My book on the same topic came; I don’t need to stay.
After I put it that way, no wonder I stopped logging this stuff…it’s overwhelming. Especially when I’ve been intending to get around to cleaning this room since the beginning of the month, and haven’t even gotten to that. I also, though, just generally have not been keeping up with my Bullet Journal.
So, there is such a thing as trying to care for yourself so much that the self-care becomes overwhelming. Though, the reading is interesting, as is composing my thoughts.
I’m likely going to shift content like this back to an older blog of mine that is expressly about reading, writing, and libraries. I haven’t set an official domain for it, yet (or updated the Theme; or transferred over relevant posts). I am not confident about posting the URL here, due to past bot harassment, but I might. Otherwise, just look out for my username and icon under the same tags… 🙂