February 14, 2022, ~ 9:30 PM:
Just let me say right now that I’m really angry, and I don’t really know why. I suspect it relates to the way I have (or have not) been caring for myself over the last week or two. There’s nothing I can do about it at this point except get back on track, meaning that in maybe 45 minutes, I should start getting ready for bed, and hope for a better day, tomorrow.
Today I went back through last week’s readings for my class, and wrote down everything that I couldn’t just print out. I’ve been reading through them once (in order to get an idea of their content) and then reading through them again at the end of the week, in order to record information I’ll need to retain — after having done the assignments. (I can’t bet on my memory staying good, past the end of the semester.)
It seems to be working — so far. I get intimidated about doing the readings when I think about taking notes (maybe due to the fact that I got an RSI last semester from having to take too many notes), so I make an agreement with myself to just do the reading without worrying about them, at first.
Of course, that entails some reinforcement/catching-up at the end of the week, after the assignments are done. It’s not too bad, though; nothing really has caught me off-guard. That’s probably because I’ve already taken this class once, and I already know a lot about Cataloging and metadata schemas. It also helps that this is the only University class I’m taking, this semester.
There are also some things moving along on the job front, and I’m not sure about where the current’s taking me. I’m having a good deal of anxiety about what happens if I am offered a position with a living wage, for which the emotional labor may be the most difficult aspect (and I have dreaded emotional labor, as it disproportionately affects female people, and I hate that gendered patterns of power and hostility affect me). However…at this point, I am leaning towards interviewing. Who knows — maybe I’d like it? Or, most of it? Short of the off-the-wall stuff that happens on a daily basis?
In any case, there are more classes I could take and should have taken while I was in the MLIS degree program, which would have prepared me more fully for becoming a Cataloger or Metadata Librarian. But now, you know, I’m Post-Grad, and the odds of obtaining non-loan Financial Aid are pretty low. When I was in that program, I was concerned about getting in and out…particularly because my financial and family situation couldn’t be relied upon to remain stable.
Nobody really predicted a pandemic; but I was more concerned about myself and everyone around me, aging. At the time, and still now, I was dependent on family support. When you’re as old as I am and have been dependent on family for most (or all) of your life, you get some anxieties over how long the situation will really be able to maintain itself.
In any case…I was helped into this career by the State. I did not realize at the time that the program I participated in really didn’t care about whether I liked or was compatible with my job or not, just so long as I was off the streets. Right now I’m beginning to see the possibility of gain from this…and am getting some cold feet. “Do I really want to do this?”
“Can I even question whether I want to do this in public, without the threat of repercussion?”
Though, I suppose, most people go into jobs with no prior knowledge of their psychological aptitudes and difficulties, or whether they’re a good affective match for their career. I would guess that Library work could even be something someone stumbles upon, as versus building up to it. I probably know more about myself and my situation than many candidates, that is, and that could be a step up from the beginning. I know that I can use CBT and DBT techniques to alter my thinking and increase my well-being, which is something probably most of the population doesn’t even consider a possibility.
Yeah, maybe I’m not as bad a candidate as I thought. Hmm.
I think I’ll get ready for bed, now.