It seems…more obviously than not, that I’ve been gravitating away from blogging, to work on my own, private, records. In some cases that is very much a good thing — the world doesn’t really need to know all of my personal business, let’s say — and in other cases, it impedes me. It doesn’t seem that long ago, speaking in terms of…memory (ha), that it was difficult for me to let time pass in which I saw no updated proof of my existence, online. One of the things my online presence afforded me, was continuity: a sense of where I had been and what I had been about. This served as a guide when I lost my mooring, so to speak, and had to regain a sense of direction.
With this internet presence — I’m speaking in terms of SpectralBeads — I had been hoping to keep my personal life somewhat in the background, at least. The thing is, I feel like a lot of where I’m at in my emotional growth as it relates to my business (or potential business) is relevant. And, could help other people. I mean, sometimes the biggest thing that’s going on, relates to personal development and challenges I’m facing. Like, for example, getting motivated on my work, or getting organized — or finding out what my work style is, so I can best accommodate it and not mis-manage it.
With that out of the way, I’ve been basically absent from blogging for a few days because I screwed up my sleep schedule not so long ago. I’m fine today (as I write this it is still Wednesday, March 3rd — happy Hinamatsuri!), but the past two days have mostly been full of sleep. Today I worked on my March Bullet Journal layout and filled in my record gaps, so I have something of an idea of what happened.
On Sunday night/Monday morning (2/28 – 3/1), I got to bed super-late (around 4:30 AM) because I was absorbed with something I was doing online. Then I was basically wiped out for most of the day on Monday, and again on Tuesday — even with a full 12 hours of nighttime rest (though I shouldn’t assume I actually slept for all of that time). It’s really not good to take a four-hour block of time in the middle of the day and fall asleep, but that’s what was happening.
Of course, this isn’t my natural sleeping pattern. I’m still on a medication which was used to induce sleep, from when I was a teenager and getting a maximum of 4-6 hours of sleep, a night (which I obviously missed, that night). That, in turn, historically messed with my stress levels (constant anxiety), which induced depression. I don’t deal with the latter so much, anymore, but even having a history of depression means that you’re vulnerable to what they call, “relapse.”
I…personally, would be more on the lookout for signs of mania, at this point. It’s obvious enough to me that increased energy and motivation, contrasting with periods of lethargy, is something that I deal with — and that’s something that I’ll have to take into account in self-management. Whether it’s to a clinical level, I’m not sure; and I won’t be sure until after I get vaccinated and can see my doctor again.
But I mean…now that I think about it? I did just realize that bipolar symptoms are part of a disorder that I absolutely know I deal with. I mean, I don’t need a separate diagnosis or confirmation. It might be of use to get on top of that…though whether I want to use a mood stabilizer in place of an antidepressant, I’m not sure. A lot of the decision would hinge on the side effects…which in my experience, are relatively frequent companions.
To compound this, I had also stretched and exercised on Sunday, most likely for the first time in months (well, maybe not months) — and apparently I have something orthopedic going on. Since Monday, I’ve been in shoes most of the time I’ve been awake…because otherwise, my feet and legs hurt so much that it discourages movement. I basically wasn’t able to do any lower-body exercises until — possibly — today, but I still haven’t. Pain is just one of those things. I don’t want a repeat of Monday morning.
We’re pretty sure this is related to lockdown, and having been out of shoes for such an extended period. It also probably relates to stretching too hard, though I don’t think my body has ever had that response, before. There are two things that could be at fault. One, age. Two, medication-induced weight gain, which is directly related to the sleep-inducing medication being too effective, requiring either modification (a waking stimulus of a different drug, which happens to frequently cause weight gain and can cause diabetes) or decrease. Decreasing it meant more anxiety.
This is the happy happy world of psychiatric pharmacology. I’m hoping to be able to actually kick this medication this time around (it happens not to like it when you try to stop; last time, I got paranoia which could have gotten me fired, and which was not helped by my work environment. At least lockdown is somewhat controlled, and the people I’m with understand what I’m going through. Withdrawal symptoms don’t last forever).
As I’m technically not currently working for an employer other than myself, I don’t have the stress of having to deal with random people as much as I did: which was most of my stress. I understand that, now. Now that I’m actually able to put a name to what was bothering me, and I can name why simple interactions, day after day, stressed me so much. And a lot of it…a lot hinges on mental health, and a lot of that mental health, hinges on being seen as myself, as versus what I stereotypically look like (which rarely ever happens).
Looking back on it, I’m not entirely certain why I stayed in that position so long, except that I felt I had to adapt, and that I could adapt (as versus find a job without public contact). I mean…it certainly was a development phase for me, but was it necessary? I’m not sure.
I probably would have been happier in a different setting, I realize now; but I was still into the whole “public good” angle of working for someone I could ethically support (without realizing that businesses — even for-profit businesses — also existed which I could ethically support…and bureaucracy wasn’t necessarily ethical). Then there is the fact that ADA compliance is necessary, in Public Service.
The thing is, do I really want to work in Public Service?
Is that really something I’m suited to? I know people who know me very well, who would say, “no.” For a long time, however, I just didn’t know that anything better existed. Or, for that matter, that there is a certain type of person who can flourish in that environment, and that I’m not that type of person. I have too much anger, I hold onto routine microaggressions based on apparent gender and apparent race for too long, I try to figure out why things are **** instead of just accepting that the world is…not necessarily a nice place to be. Especially if you’re different.
Why am I writing about this? I want to make a life I want to live. I mean, actually want to live, not, “suffer through so I can earn a salary and not be homeless,” which has been the contrast here, especially where things have come to job placement. Elsewhere, I’ve spoken specifically about why it is I have trouble dealing with the general public…I’d rather not get into it right here and now at 1:30 AM, but…well, it relates to the entire underpinning of this site. I wouldn’t be surprised if I got into it, eventually.
Especially if I keep pouring my heart out.
And yeah, I was a Creative Writing major…they teach you how to do this stuff, there.